I haven’t traveled for quite some time. I visited my sister in Texas in February when she had a birthday. I finally met her two toddlers, whom I hadn’t seen in person before. I also got to witness her older son surprise her by coming for a visit. It was very enjoyable, despite getting sick on my final day there.

Other than that trip, I have just been home and working. I enjoy my co-workers and my job, but it has been a challenge as well. I haven’t had the desire to do much. Nothing seems to hold my interest. I have gained more weight because of my lack of energy. When I do exercise, I barely do it and am exhausted.  I usually enjoy home projects, so I threw myself into one.

I work for a flooring company and had been wanting to get rid of the carpet in my house for a long time.  I saw some flooring in our warehouse, which was collecting dust. I took a few pieces home, and it was such a good match, I asked my boss if I could buy it and put it in the house. He said I could have it, “one of the perks of working here.” I was excited! At first, it was going to just be the living and dining room. Then, it grew to include the two guest bedrooms and the master closet. I set about measuring and figuring the square footage, and there was enough. My boss agreed to let me do it all. So I prepared. One of my co-workers agreed to show me how to install it. I thought with the help of my roommate we could manage. My roommate wasn’t working, and I knew my co-workers were busy, so we worked to figure out a time it would fit. In the end, I hired one of our installers to do it. We planned on a day.

My roommate helped me with getting the old carpet out, and we painted one of the bedrooms. The timeline had moved up so much, and I didn’t have time to do all I wanted beforehand. I cleared out the rooms, and off it went with all the floors getting complete in two days. It looks amazing!

I didn’t have a lot of energy or the joy I expected afterward. I moved some of the big furniture back and slowly put things back in my closet after cleaning it and some sorting of all the stuff I had crammed in there. It looked so nice, I hated to put all the extra stuff back in. I came up with the idea of using the dining room as a workout room, so I got new blinds for that area. I ordered a mural for one of the guest bedrooms.

I couldn’t sell my dining table and chairs with the buffet, so I kept it. We hung the blinds. My roommate George helped me put up the mural, which turned out to be really cool. It is a Norwegian waterfall. Then, I decided to change that guest room to my workout room. I meant to paint it, but lost my motivation, so for now, it remains as it was. George moved into the newly painted room, and I bought a large yoga mat for the floor. I put in a couple of things, but it has been untouched since. The miscellaneous things are still in the garage with the furniture from the other bedroom and all the rest in my craft room. It is still a mess.

We had to have a few touch-ups on the floor, but otherwise, the rooms remain largely undecorated.  I just don’t seem to care about the mess or the things anymore. Depression has been underlying for a while now. I feel it every day. It is difficult to get up in the morning and go to work, and the rest of the time, I lay on my new sofa and watch TV. It feels unsatisfactory, but doing something feels too challenging.

It has been a while since I have traveled to see my kids and grandkids. I saw one of my grandkids for her spring break. I took a couple of days off to spend with her, but she wasn’t allowed to stay overnight. I wanted to rent a hotel room since my roommate seemed to be the issue, but that wasn’t ok either, so her grandpa (my ex-husband) kept her, and I had day visits.  We had a good time and we enjoyed each other’s company.

I finally planned on a trip to Washington to see the kids. I spent all my days with them and spoiling them. We had a great time. We went bowling, cycling,  to the trampoline place and ate meals together. I saw all except one granddaughter who stayed away. She is 22 and having her own struggles. I enjoyed the weather and got upgraded to first class for the flying trips. That was amazing! I spoke to a few friends, but my goal was to be with my kids, and I did that. I chose not to see Dan because it felt too difficult thinking about all I had left behind. It has been 4 years, and I am still struggling.

My roommate picked me up, and we had low tire pressure. We managed to get to the tire store, and they found a razor blade in the tire. I was lucky because there was no wait. I had recently purchased new tires for my car and the flat repair was free. I was flying high. Things were going my way.

I went to work the next day, happy to see my co-workers and have lots to do, but that depression just lingers. I have started therapy again. I am increasing my medication to a higher dose and working in a workbook for anxiety and depression, hoping to learn ways to cope better with life than I have been doing.

I have other decisions to make. Should I get a new car, sell my house, rent my house and all the financial things along with that. A family friend passed away as well from cancer. I am still mourning my old life and yet glad to be removed from it at the same time. I am grateful for the opportunities I have, my friends and family, and my job, but I feel unfulfilled. I am having a difficult time making decisions. I have been in Arizona now for two years. I like my home and neighborhood, but it reminds me of my past life. There are lots of responsibilities as well. I long for my simpler existence in Sweden, but that had challenges as well.

My roommate is planning to move next month. I plan to give him some of the extra furniture I have. It will be good to pass some things along. It needs to happen. Even though I know I will be lonely, we both need our space. He needs to be closer to work as well. We have not been getting along as well as in the beginning. It has been nice to have him here to help, but it is time to move forward.

I’m not sure what is coming next. I am hoping that with time alone, therapy, and medication, I can find the bright side of things. I realized I have struggled to be satisfied for a long time. My ex-husband said as much. Now, we shall see what comes with the upcoming changes.