I feel like my life is so much less exciting than before, but fall is coming, although it is hard to tell. We still have the heat in the forcast, but we have lower temperature coming for the evenings. I am looking forward to that. It has been incredibly warm for such a long time.

I have finally unpacked my house. There are boxes in the garage still with holiday decorations and a few things I had no idea where they would go but ultimately I am finished. When it cools down a bit I will sort through and organize the garage. I took a carload of things to donate as well. Amazing how freeing that felt.

I have only worked a few hours this past week. I will be starting later next week, which is far easier for traffic. I am ok with it. My boss will be going to Las Vegas to purchase some equipment, so I will be off Tuesday and Wednesday as he will not be there. I am a little unsure how it will go. He is thankful I am there and gives me compliments and says I am a good fit, we shall see. I just need more to do.

Friday, I went back to the mental health clinic for medication review. I am adding some different things. I had planned to go to work afterward. As I left the clinic, I saw my boss had tried to call and then texted me my hours for next week. I said ok, I am heading in now, and he said not to come in today. I was then left with what do I do now?

I started home and began to cry because I was upset about going home for yet another day home alone. I have things to do, but it gets so lonely. I came home, called Sorin, which upset me more and tried to nap. Then I got a text from his other woman. I tried calling from my swedish phone, but she had blocked me. I called her from my American phone.

She answered, and we finally got to have the conversation I had wanted to for over a year. I got answers to questions, and she enlightened me about some other things like Sorin has been with other women besides her and I. I got really clear then that all my hunches were, in fact, correct. It was liberating. What she does is up to her, but we both felt better after talking. Then I called Sorin and told him I knew the truth.

I couldn’t talk more because I needed to drive across town for an appointment. I had realized my mood was possibly due to needing chiropractor care. I have been going to an Atlas Orthangology chiropractor for many years because of my debilitating migraines. It has been so helpful. Sometimes, I can tell before the headache starts because of my shift in mood. I get sad, depressed or really grouchy. I was able to get it fixed, and my mood lightened.

Yesterday, I also had a person message me some really awful things. They were very mean and hurtful. In the past, I would have taken all those things on and wallowed in them for a long time. This time, I did cry and wallow a bit, but then I decided no, that wasn’t who I wanted to be. That person was hurting and wanted to hurt me back. This was not the first time. I am not willing to accept this anymore, and that relationship is now over. Clearing space in my life.

Sorin, on Saturday, had called twice. When I returned the call, he was in a panic to know what me and his other lady had discussed. He made threats against her. Said she was a liar and so on. I tried to back pedal and say I had not talked to her. My intention was not to put her in harm’s way but to confront the lies. Doing so with him is an absolute waste of time. He has no concern for anyone but himself, but I have concern for her. I tried to call, but she did not answer. I then texted, and she called him while I was on the phone. I messaged her again. My apology for putting her in a bad spot and then called Sorin.

He had talked to her and had calmed down. I called her again just to make sure she was OK. She said she was, and she was out, and we would talk later. I’m not sure we will, but I hope so. She is a nice person stuck in a bad situation like I was. I feel we understand each other because of the situation and experiences we have on common with this man. I hope we can be a support for each other in getting over him and allowing someone better in our life. He is difficult to let go of, even when you know. You get sucked into the drama, but more than that, it is the love and caring you feel that keeps you. There are times when you hate them, but then he comes back, says I am sorry, and whatever else he thinks will smooth it over. You want to trust him. He sounds sincere. He professes his love to you, but then it repeats again not long after when he starts drinking again.

I have been reading a Swedish novel called “Änhörig” by Katerina Janouch . She describes my feelings perfectly, and I recommended it to the other woman. She deserves better, and so do I. Being with an alcholic is not fun. You always hope they will change and some do, but only when they have to because their life is not working. Others never change, and families are ruined because of it. It isn’t always obvious, and sometimes I pretended it wasn’t as bad as it was. He didn’t rage or beat me. He just didn’t ever do what he said, left for hours or days, and came home drunk often. He never had time for me but always had time for that. It was torture. But it is very difficult to let go. I believe I can now completely let go, without regret or guilt. There was shame attached, but I did not create this, and what I want in my life is more happiness, not less.

My plan is to keep moving forward. Every step counts. I am creating my life at each new turn. I have enrolled in a leadership training course to train myself to be a better leader and all-around person. I am a work in progress like everyone else. I don’t always see the growth until after, but I do see it, sometimes. Life is about the journey, and the destination in the end is never fully reached until our death. I have plenty of great years ahead, God willing. If I don’t, I hope my life reflects that I loved and did the best I could. I hope my wins will be seen with my losses as a successful life lived.