The day after I wrote last, I woke up in a terrible state of depression. I was cutting down on the anti-depressant I was prescribed in Sweden. I had been taking it for several months, but I wanted so much to get off it. There are several reasons. One was I didn’t have a doctor or health insurance in the States yet and another because I wanted to think I could do without it.

Thursday after I wrote, I felt so dark in my mind. It didn’t feel like I was making progress. Yes, my time with Rebecca and Shelby was great, but I felt so lonely afterward that it was unbearable. I couldn’t think straight and just did not want to go on. I took two sleeping pills and went to bed. I slept the morning away into the early afternoon. When I woke, I just cried and couldn’t do anything. I had heard of a clinic nearby that took people regardless of insurance or ability to pay. I had been contemplating going several weeks, and this day, I drove myself to the clinic. I burst into tears at the reception desk and simply said, “I need help.”

This was a big step for me. They were kind and gentle. One woman even came out to see if I needed help filling out the form and sat with me. She said, “You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?” I started crying again and just nodded. I felt seen and cared for. I dried my tears enough to complete the form, and they took me back to meet a Nurse Practioner who was also kind. She prescribed a new medication to help me feel better sooner than some others. We also set up a counseling appointment.

I went home and in the evening I attended a group meeting from my seminar group. I did not want to, but I knew I had to do it to keep my word and also hoping it would shift something. I was glad I did. I also talked to Dan, who let me talk. He tried to build me up and asked me why I was so heartbroken. I told him the divorce broke me, and while I pretended things were ok, and sometimes they were, it has been so difficult. The break up with Sorin has compounded this hurt, being rejected again and again and again took its toll.

The next day, I sat down and made a budget. This was also difficult but necessary. I needed to see the reality. While I have a good income from my rental property, I needed a little more to feel comfortable. I needed to see in black and white where I was. I looked to find ways to reduce my expenses. I figured I had nothing to lose by looking at jobs. I started applying for a few and loaded up my resume. I had no idea what would come of it, if anything. What skills could I have that were of any value? It had been so long since I had a “job”.

I did leadership training on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I began to stop thinking about myself and started feeling better. I barely participated, but I was listening. The enthusiasm of the group and those who shared lifted my spirits. All weekend, I was getting emails about various jobs. Some I could see myself doing, others not. I started living in the possibility of what could be. Monday, I got a message from a recruiter who asked me to call.

She and I talked, and she asked me some questions. I answered, and she said I would be perfect for a job she had open. It was downtown Phoenix. Could I meet her and the owner at noon? Yes, I said. I got showered and dressed and went to the meeting. 22 minutes to get there, so I was 30 minutes early. I met with her and one of the partners. He hired me on the spot, and I started Tuesday. They are a manufacturer of all kinds of sauce. He needed someone to help with accounting. I understood how it is to be a business owner, and while it had been a since I had worked, he gave me a chance.

I fumbled around a bit the first day after arriving 15 minutes late because I did not plan for the traffic well enough. I did call when I got his number. He was fine with it. I got a lot of organizing done, and he told me to call it quits about 2:30 and gave me the next day off.

My dear friend Deanna came and kept me company on wednesday, which is always fun. We watched the movie “Moving On” with Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin. It was fun and I really enjoyed having her here. Yesterday, I went in a bit later because my boss was kind and thought it would be better traffic wise, and it was. He gave me a 4 day weekend, which may be difficult if I allow myself to dwell. I do plan to unpack a few more boxes. I have almost finished setting up my loom, and my craft room now has no boxes left to unpack. I still have quite a few in my dining room, which is almost certainly things I really don’t need but think I want.

Last night we had a monsoon. I rather enjoyed the experience of it. High winds, dust, lightning and then rain with even a bit of hail. Visibility decreased and things were blowing around outside so I had to put things away and go out in it a couple of times. I got up this morning to lots of debris all around. It took me several hours to clean out the pool debris and rake up the yard. My pool cleaned has stopped working and I suspect leaves in the pump. I have a lot more foliage around the pool than most people. I am aware and this is how I like it so do what I can to maintain it. I love it the way it is. I think it is worth it.

It reminds me that while we have storms in our lives, things do calm down sooner or later. The clean up can be difficult but it will be worth it in the end. Life can be messy but by doing the little things, eventually big things will fall into place. My life still feels a bit stormy right now, but if I keep practicing, things will be better on the other side. We live in the “messy middle” to quote a favorite author SARK. We don’t always see the forests for the trees but good things can come. Patience and dedication to what I want is what it will take so I recommit myself to becoming a better person than I was yesterday.