The past few days have been difficult. I often fill my days up to capacity to avoid being alone or to be so tired, I want to do nothing else. The past week has been a lot of sorting and creating space for the things that would be delivered. I have created some space, but now I am looking at everything I shipped and wondering where it will go.
I went out to lunch with a friend and her niece on Friday. We celebrated her niece’s birthday. We had a great time. I came home and organized a little but felt myself slipping down into depression. I am currently taking medication but tapering off. I have been doing it slowly. My last doctor recommended I do it in the summer when the days are longer, so that is what I am doing.
Still, I feel so alone. It is hard being by myself day in and day out. Even when I have something to do, I am still alone every evening. Sometimes I am so tired I don’t care as much. It makes me think I made a mistake coming here, but it would likely be the same wherever I was. I am trying to be comfortable with being alone and hoping it will improve. I have several things in the coming weeks that will keep me busy, but I still dread the long evenings.
I thought this was what I wanted. I have a lot of unpacking to do, but with that comes overwhelm. There are so many things to do. I have new windows coming in a few weeks as well, and maybe my daughter and still the sadness falls on me like a heavy blanket. The heavy thoughts, the dark moods, and the feeling lost and empty persists. How will I get through this? I am telling myself this too shall pass, but will it? I tell myself it will get easier, but will it? I tell myself to get up and do something every day, and I do.
I make my bed every morning but find myself resting several times a day just to manage the time. I have done my bookwork a little each day, and I have been looking for a job but haven’t applied to any. Life drags on for far too many hours a day, and I tell myself to enjoy them, but I just can’t. Someday, I will look back and see the progress I have made, but not just now. Someday when I feel good again I will be glad for the dark times which helped me grow, but not yet.
I have hope all things are for my greater good, but in the meantime, the loneliness is unbearable. It is suffocating me. The sunshine helps, but the heat makes me tired. I am enjoying the view from windows and the organized spaces. I have enough to keep me busy, but I need people around.
Take 2 of Life 
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