Many of you may be thinking I am a bit off and I suppose I am. A lot of decisions and the stress of it all is taking a toll. I thought it would all be easier. Earlier this week I was extremely depressed and could barely do anything but I managed to do my obligatory things. Getting out of bed, eating, feeding the cat and even managed to go out for some walks to help my mood.

I even managed to teach my Les Mills Bodypump class. It was tough, and honestly, I did not finish the core track, but I tried. It is a bit embarrassing when the instructor can not finish the class. I chose it thinking I could manage. I did push myself with the other tracks, and I had a full class, which was amazing to see. I love my class but don’t feel I do the best job. I never feel quite good enough. My insecurities and weight play a big role. I hate the way I look.

After my class I felt much better. It helps that I saw my friend Sunday evening and another yesterday. I walked through a nearby park and was impressed by what I saw. It was beautiful. I also had my first driving lesson. It went ok. I have a few habits I need to break and some fine-tuning, but overall, I have had a good lesson.

My boyfriend has been working about 2 1/2 hours north of Malmö. He has been working a lot of hours. He has also managed to find an apartment. I may be moving there. I have to give a month’s notice at my fitness job, so I will remain here for February at minimum. I am trying to decide if I will keep my apartment and be here during the week and there on weekends or what that will look like. I am scared to move again. Part of me is saying just go home, part of me is saying give it a shot. This may be why I feel depressed. Not sure I am ready to leave here yet.

The thing about depression is that it isn’t something you just get over. It is a real feeling of sadness and despair. It is the feeling that nothing will be ok again and yes, there are days when I feel happy and good, but I have quite a lot of days where I feel I am not making progress and able to manage. It is a tough place to be. I am taking medication, but maybe it isn’t helping, or maybe I would be worse. The food I eat is not helping with my weight or my mood, but I am unable to do anything different. I have to soothe myself, and if the walk doesn’t help, I eat. It is the only way I can cope right now. I have tried meditation, breathing exercises, walks, journaling, talking to someone and medication, but so far, the only sure thing is food.

I know you are worried about me. I will be ok. I will keep taking one step in front of the other. I will keep my cat so I have someone to love, I will keep trying to find a way through the murkiness of my life just now. I will make it through. I must make it through, but it is a dark, heavy cloud over me just now. I feel so lonely but I know I am not alone. It finds me, the darkness finds me and consumes me. I will find my way out eventually, I always have and I have a cat.

I could easily erase what I have written. I have not shared for pity. I have shared to shine a light into the darkness. But it is real and I am trying very hard to let you see the real me. This is me. Love me or don’t. It is a part of me I wish wasn’t there but it is always there lurking in the shadows just waiting. It is dark here but soon there will be light again. Someday. Soon I hope. Don’t feel pity for me or despair. I will be ok. I always come out the other side. I will rise like a phoenix out of the ashes someday, just not today.