The past few days have felt like an eternity. I guess this might be what hell will be like when I get there. Drowning in the pain and anguish which I have created for myself. Going over and over all the mistakes in my life and feeling the pain of it all over and over again. I wonder why I am not good enough, what did I do to deserve this, what have I done to get here and will I ever be loved again?

He wouldn’t talk to me. He blocked me on his telephone. I can’t blame him I just want to talk him into coming back and that is the last thing he wanted. He wants me to leave him alone. I have a tendency to fight and I know I am pushing buttons. I push until they fight back. I push them until they lose control. Then I play the victim when the reality is, it is really me being the aggressor.

Friday I felt quite good. I was out and about, enjoyed lunch with a friend, and did a little shopping. I bought myself a gift and ran some errands. Sent my brother Fredric a package, returned something, which is unusual for me because I usually don’t, and picked up a package. I even bought myself a pastry and had a little dance party with myself in my apartment. It was a good day.

It was later when I started to get a little tired and sat down to watch “The Crown” those feelings crept in. It was then I felt the pain of being alone. I went to bed early and woke up with the full weight of sadness. I tried to get past it by meditation and went for a walk but the weight just pressed down on me, getting heavier with each passing hour. How could I be here again and why do we even open ourselves up to love when it hurts? I suppose this is why some don’t. We choose not to because the pain is too much when our hearts get broken once again. It has been almost a week since he left. I have barely spoken to him. I feel the emptiness every moment.

It’s starting to snow now. Small flakes from the sky, it won’t last. I hope I can get through this day. God are you there? It’s me, Jeanette, and I could use your help today. Can you send me someone who cares? Can you ask him to call me so we can talk? Can he ever forgive me? I need forgiveness. Is there any hope for me? Will I ever be a better person? Can you make things good again? Will I ever stop crying and hurting? How do I make it go away? Where do I go to find solace in the pain? Maybe this is meant to help me grow but shouldn’t I be there already? I am not young anymore. Shouldn’t I know this stuff already?

Maybe God listened because he did call and he was ready to talk. I am a little uncertain on the other hand that it will have a different outcome, but for now, he is back. For now, the pain is a little less. For now, I can breathe and not worry. How long will it last is anyone’s guess.

My meditation today was about thoughts and what meanings we put to them. I need to re-evaluate my thoughts. Perhaps it is time to turn inward and do the inner work which needs to be done. What if I am making his actions and behavior mean something different than it does? What if I am making my life more difficult than it needs to be? What if I need to be able to turn my mindset into more positive thinking? What would that look like? Who am I not getting to be by being such an uptight, stressed-out person? Certainly not who I want to be. What do I need to change? All big questions I will have to discover.