This week has been painful. I lost my purse and canceled my cards. It was recovered and all was there but too late. So I had no accesss to my money for a few days. One card I recieved yesterday but I accidentally cut it up instead of the old one, so back to square one. The other card had an incorrect address so had to reorder. My debit card from Sweden arrived thankfully so I have access to those funds. Then my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight and he left me.

I am grateful to be able to feel pain, but it is excruciating and I am finding it hard to bear. I have good friends and they help, but I feel so alone in the world. Sitting with myself is not helpful. I have a party tonight but know I will not be much fun so thinking about not going. I probably should just to keep myself occupied but not sure I can bear to be the tiniest bit happy tonight. I am not eating well. I am lonely. I want to sleep but can’t.

I feel so lost all over again. Not sure where to turn. The days are turning darker and colder and no one is here to keep me company. My boyfriend is gone and this time, it seems for good. It wasn’t good for either of us but it hurts nonetheless.

My stomach is in knots wondering what is going to happen next. Wondering when the heartache will stop and how I will make it through another night alone. I feel dead inside but all I want is to be loved and love in return. Why is that such a difficult thing to find?

Why did I open myself up to love so quickky anyway? When it feels good it feels good but when it is over it hurts. I thought I had something but then again, maybe I didn’t. Other people saw it long ago and yet I couldn’t let him go and now here I sit alone with myself in the silence. It is deafening.

I have been alone before but I don’t remember it feeling this way. Is it because I am older and unaccustomed to the feelings I have to feel? How do I love again? How do I trust again? How will I make it through this dark season in my life? It feels as though I will never be happy again.

He said he wanted to take care of me until I died. He lied. He said he would be here for me. He lied. He said he only wanted me. He lied. He said he loved me. Who knows maybe he did. So here I sit scared, lonely, and afraid to be alone with myself. Tears are falling as my heart breaks. I just want him to tell me all those things again and make everything ok but it won’t be, will it? It can never be again. Oh, the beautiful heartbreak which I knew would come is here. Please just take it so I can feel something else.

I tried to be helpful and all I got back was hurt. I hate endings of any kind but this one is too much. Too much to bear. Too much to handle.

Yet another lesson to learn. How to be alone again. How to make myself happy again. How to go on living when the pain is so intense. My heart is broken into pieces and must be mended once again. In the meantime, I am grateful for the things I have to do, even if I don’t want to. For giving me a reason to get up in the morning and move forward bit by bit. I will be crawling and hopefully someday walk and then maybe run, but for now, I will crawl and take one tiny moment at a time to make myself whole again. Somehow, someday I will look back at this too. I will make myself eat, make myself sleep the best I can and make it through the dark to a brighter, happier place.