At the beginning of January, I started working with a woman named Gurjit Rana, from London regarding Relationships. I have learned a lot from her and the others who have joined us on calls and classes. I have met many wonderful people throughout my journey and hold them in high esteem.

She has helped me take a long hard look at myself and how I am being in my relationships. These are any and all relationships. The ones with my parents, my siblings and friends but also with my ex-husband and with men.

It had has not been easy admitting what I have done wrong. Sometimes changing things, sometimes not. Often beginning to see what I could do differently and one of the difficult parts is implementing. But first I must recognize what needs to be changed that is in my control, myself. That has been the toughest challenge yet because it is far easier to blame the other person and make myself right.

Gurjit, my relationship coach, has gotten me to question who I don’t get to be by holding onto my old ways of thinking. She has me looking at what I want in a relationship and recognizing I can not change them, I can only change myself. That’s it. I can not control my thoughts but the action I take about those thoughts are another matter. Also, questioning, are the thoughts I am having true?

I often think I know what someone else is thinking or why they are doing that thing they do, but I have no idea if that is really how or what they think. I am using my own filter and lens, projecting those ideas or thoughts onto that person. Maybe they did not at all look at me like I thought, or perhaps what they said did not come out the way they intended. I know it has happened to me. Maybe it is exactly what they intended, and then it is what it is. In my projecting these thoughts, I make life harder for myself. I may find it difficult to be with that person(s) because of my own thoughts and not anything they have said or done.

I heard a story by Jay Shetty from his audiobook “How to live like a Monk” he repeated a story about a farmer who was going through some trials and his attitude was “good or bad, who knows”. We don’t know if that thing that is happening to us is good or bad, it just is. It will lead to something else, good or bad, we don’t know, it just is. I have been pondering this since I heard it and it has helped me make decisions at times. Just make a decision, good or bad, who knows.

I have absolutely enjoyed my ongoing journey with Gurjit and the others I have met. They have been a blessing in my life and I was a skeptic in the beginning. I may not always see how far I have come but my thoughts are different, not completely, but somewhat. You have witnessed some of my breakdowns or the aftermath of them. I have changed and while I still have days I want to crawl under the covers and stay there until the scary part is over, I am growing. It is painful but different thoughts hopefully lead to different actions I take which will bring me the result I want.

This past week I attended an on-line book club in my relationships group for a book called “Calling in the One” by Katherine Woodward Thomas. In the chapter we were going over (chapter 36) it was about being generous and I realized something quite huge about myself. I am not as generous as I thought. Not being generous with money or tangible things at times but most importantly in not allowing a person(s) to be who they are. I don’t have to spend time with them if it doesn’t work for me and I discovered I have been using my power of control to manipulate. It is tough to say outright and take responsibility for my part in the drama I have created, but I must.

An apology only goes so far, it is action which needs to be taken to make amends. I am not sure how this will play out, because of course the other person does not have to accept my amends. They can very well reject them. I am hoping this huge realization or Aha moment I had will linger with me so I don’t make the mistake again. I do however, have a record of having to learn hard lessons many times before it sticks. I am hoping I will get better at implementation as I become aware.

I am grateful to my coach Gurjit and would highly recommend anyone struggling with relationships to check into working with her. She works in groups. as well as one-on-one but within a group, we always learn so much from each other. Thanks to all those who have been a part of my journey and you reading as well. May we be generous with others and ourselves. May we learn and grow, adapt and change and thrive not just survive.