The end of this week has been difficult. I have had extra anxiety with changes happening. I am working to do some things differently when situations come up and it is quite stressful. I am struggling with being alone again. I am struggling with my depression and anxiety where I am either full of energy or have absolutely none. I am struggling with not being in control of things happening at the moment. Struggling with life in general and with my weight.

I know in my heart the changes which need to be made and that they will be in my best interest but it is still difficult. I know I need to eat better and take care of myself but finding the motivation to do it has been tough. I have let a man into my life who doesn’t appear to care about me and let others who do go because that did not feel right either. This same man has mistreated me in so many ways and yet he is the one I am struggling to let go of. I have a better understanding now of why people can not get out of bad situations because although you want to move on, the bad is still familiar.

I have been to the gym more this week because I needed to release some energy, which I don’t regret. This was well-needed but when I got home I felt so alone in my empty apartment, thank goodness for my friend’s cat who I am cat-sitting. He gives me some comfort and love. All the coaching I have done seems to be wasted but I know there is something better out there for me, eventually. I know I am worth more but have a difficult time believing it. I know I can add value to someone’s life but not adding to my own at the moment. I am doing things differently to try to get a different outcome but it is very, very scary and those feelings are real.

The divorce was difficult for me but now I find all relationships with men are difficult. I am so unsure of myself and what I truly want in my life. This last relationship has taken the little I gained and I am now worse off. I go back to this person who is not good for me, over and over again. I want to feel loved and cared about and I get that occasionally. I want to feel respected and I want someone who wants me but I am not sure there is such a person until I can love myself. I don’t want to feel needy but I am.

I heard a song on the radio today by Elton John “Sorry seems to be the hardest word, He sings “What do I have to do to make you want me? What do I got to do to be heard? It’s a sad, sad situation, what do I have to do to make you love me, what do I have to do to make you care? and it’s getting more and more absurd, Why can’t we talk it over?” and I just started crying. I want to force him to care, to love me and I know in my head I can’t force anyone into this but it hurts so much regardless of my knowing.

I don’t want to write about this either because then I know you will all say nice things to me and try to pep me up but I don’t want to feel better right now. I want to wallow in my feelings, I want to feel sad and frankly be miserable. I just want him to come back to me and tell me he can’t live without me, he will do better and he doesn’t. I feel desperate, discouraged, and heartbroken.

I have upped my medication a little. My doctor did not have time to speak to me until next week so I did it anyway because I have been feeling incapable of coping any other way right now. I will be okay, eventually but right now it feels like when Dan left me. I feel lost, small, and like I don’t belong anywhere and that this will last forever, which I know it won’t.

I did force myself to attend a Halloween Organ concert with friends and I did attend church and had a young lady over to spend the night last night. She was good company and a good distraction. I had dinner with her family before I picked her up, which was nice. Their son had a birthday on Monday and I was supposed to go but did not because of my boyfriend, it has been a roller coaster ever since. My friends here have been checking in on me regularly but I find myself withdrawing.

I was grateful I had a place to go to work on Friday and the rest of this week. After that, I just don’t know. I can not expect my friends to be there for me all the time. I know I need to pull myself but at the moment I feel like a plane in a downward spiral and no way to pull up for an emergency landing. Maybe I need to crash to feel the weight of the emotions. Maybe I need to cry and let it out. I had the worst nightmares last night and woke up crying. It was no relief to wake up so the struggle has continued all day.

What I am grateful for are the people in my life and the time to feel, and to heal. Did I run away from my problems by moving? Maybe, but I needed to go. I needed to live out my dream. I needed to find my own way and I am, although this setback has taken me back a few steps I have come a long way. So far I have gotten through 100% of the bad days but it feels pretty awful at the moment. I will survive. I will push on, and I will get through this as well. Heartbreak comes to everyone in one form or another. We all have to find our way. It’s okay to cry and feel. It’s okay to be broken for a while.