Since I last wrote not a lot has happened except, I signed a 2 year contract for a telephone. Yikes! I got an upgraded phone for the price of the one I came in for and it doesn’t cost anymore than I was paying and had to go buy every month but the 2 year contract is a bit scary. It means some type of commitment. 

It is also nearing the end of the month which means I need to put some effort into the job search. It brings up my defeatist attitude. I don’t easily give up on someone else so why do I give up on myself? Why do I let things stop me so easily? Why do I not love myself like I love my friends? Why do I give up my goals? I don’t see myself as a people pleaser. Although I do things for them far easier than myself. Something I must explore further.

I haven’t given up my blog despite feeling I have nothing to write about. I always find something. I have only had encouraging things said. I have people who care about me, I get shown it regularly but still the feelings linger.

I have paid for coaching in relationships and health many times and yet I fear I haven’t come very far. I am  not where I want to be. I have not succeeded yet. I have given up on myself. Don’t I deserve to love and care about myself? Shouldn’t I care about myself more?

I am feeling a bit down and thinking about scrapping the whole of what I am writing but maybe someone else can benefit. I want to hide under the covers, stay in bed all day and not do what I intended to do. Maybe I will it is early yet but my plan was to work from home today, take a nap and then get onto my coaching call. What will happen remains to be seen.

There are relationships which I cling to despite them not bringing out the best in me. Some I can let go, but not easily. Anytime someone leaves, it leaves an empty spot in my heart. Every lost relationship is felt and often longed for. No relationship is perfect, friends, family, lovers, they just are what they are and each one brings a lesson. The lesson may be a reminder, I just haven’t learned it well yet or something new. Some have to be repeated many times and others are learned quickly.

Comparison is a dangerous game. Comparing my weaknesses to someone else’s strengths, especially so. The feeling of not being enough but what I have noticed is when I am not happy with myself I am not satisfied in life. Perhaps this is the lesson today. I can not measure myself to someone else. They are not me and I am not them. I can only be myself.

Just as I am writing this I got the call for a part time job at La Soupe in downtown Malmö. I start tomorrow and I get to work with my friend Jenny. I will work all next week while Jenny is on vacation and since I can do accounting she may want my help with that as well. Things suddenly took an unexpected happy turn. How quickly life can change.

I am glad I get to share the good news with you my friends. I am glad I have you to be happy and celebrate with. I am glad I waited and did not give up yet. Things are starting to happen! Look forward to what is next. How quickly we can shift is also pretty amazing. I have a job! Hip hip hooray!!