This year has been hard. So many things have happened, both good and bad. I have made major changes in my life after finding out my marriage was over. All stuff I have talked about. Some of you know some of my secrets but most I keep to myself. I am terrified of being alone and never finding anyone who can love the crazy in me. What lives in my head sometimes is absolutely insane. I am absolutely certain if you could take a peek inside.

Is this all there is? Dan has moved on and already introduced his new lady to the kids and grandchildren. He moved on within a month of ending our 30 year relationship. He says moving back to the US would be best because I would for sure find a quality guy there. As if they only exist anywhere else. I don’t think I can handle watching it just now.

I have signed the contract for my new apartment. I move in September 1st until the end of the year. Could be extended if the person I am renting from decides to stay longer but this gives me time to figure things out I hope. I am still undecided. There are pros and cons to both countries. I am not sure I can cope with another woman in the kids’ lives who I will compare myself to. Part of me wants to run away and cut all ties because it is too hard. That flight response is quite strong right now.

Perhaps I am mentally ill. In the old days I would have been committed because he did not want me and I cracked up. He actually said we weren’t bound together if we did not want. I said that was literally what our vows were about, until death do us part. Why bother if this was his take on marriage?

I have met someone who does want to be with me but I can’t allow myself to trust him. He is younger and I can’t believe he would want an old lady like me and I have to think he has no idea what he is doing. He has never wavered, ever in what he says to me. He claims to love me for my heart and says God put us together. My twisted mind says we are two lonely people looking for love in all the wrong places and will drag each other down to the fiery depths of hell. I have picked up some bad habits again and I feel I have over corrected and need to get realigned to a better balance.

This past week in Romania I have been with this man I met in December in Sweden. He took a bus for 4 hours to be at the airport waiting for me. He is not a morning person but got up at 6 am to catch the bus and meet me in Bucharest. It sounds like love but so unsure. He is never angry with me and very determined about what he wants.

He never raises his voice, never says mean things like I do, he may not understand what I am saying exactly, his first language is Romanian. He is infuriating at times because he doesn’t answer back when I want or with what I want to hear. He changes topics constantly when I am trying to discuss something and yet he can be sweet but as scared as I am of being alone, I am scared of being hurt again.

I am broken and in a rubble heap of my own making. If anyone knows everything, it is me, and I have not told all my secrets even to myself. There is so much which may or may not stay buried. The short story is I am not brave, or strong. I am broken and floating in a pool of my own vomit from my own bad choices, dragging my Romanian and others down into my own private hell.

The past days in Romania have been up and down. Wednesday we went out to see some sights in town. Saw the Parliament building and walked around the fountains until dusk but too warm. In the mountains it was far cooler and rainy, which I enjoyed. Friday before flying out we stayed in and rested. Our flight was at 6 am. Ready to be home. We have a delay on the flight and the air conditioning is not working. It is so hot and sticky but I hope we will be on our way soon.