The past few days have been about coming home after a fun-filled time in Stockholm. Doing mundane things like laundry, sleeping, going out for a walk, and doing laundry. I even baked bread and it was delicious with the blue cheese I got from Helsingør, Denmark recently. It is interesting walking in now familiar places and seeing how dry it is compared to before. The wheat was cut down yesterday but the canola fields are still there but not very pretty because they are dried up. I lobe how each season brings newness.

Saturday evening I stayed in a hotel near the airport because the flight was early and I had heard about long lines through security at the Arlanda airport. This was due to personnel shortages. I found a hotel within a 5-minute bus ride and it was fantastic. Radisson Blu at Arlanda Airport. Not the one at the airport but two or three shuttle bus stops away. They offered a convenient free shuttle bus to and from the airport. Highly recommend them. The room was comfortable, the bed was so nice and although it was small it was great. I wish I could say I slept well but I did not. Not because of my room because it was amazing. I had a 7 am flight which meant waking up at 4:30 am to get ready and head out by 5 am or sooner. I get rather anxious when I travel because I don’t want to be late or oversleep but not being able to sleep is recurring.

I suppose not sleeping well is partly because, after over 20 years of sleeping with someone, it just isn’t the same sleeping alone. Whenever Dan would leave, which was seldom, I had an awful time sleeping. I also have trouble when I am traveling or in a strange place. It takes me a good hour to fall asleep on a good night and 2 to 3 on a bad one and if I get woken up for any reason, it starts all over again. I have tried many different things to get myself to unwind but still struggle. After almost a year of sleeping alone, I had hoped it would improve and it has somewhat, but I still struggle which means I am tired a lot.

There are also other issues that probably affect my sleep and that is my diet. Working on this bit as well. More good protein and less refined carbs but that is a work in progress. I have not been consistent in tracking and seeing the big picture of what I am eating. I think it is the first step to seeing the pattern of how I eat so I can have a better idea of where I need to tweak things. I do know my cravings at night are when I am alone and bored or not wanting to be alone. I recognize I consume a lot of calories in a short space of time from searching for something to fill that hole inside. I have been on too many strict diets and my mind will just not allow another. I want this to be a life change not like before.

That hole inside has been there even before the divorce. I have filled it with shopping, eating, and other things which have not been so helpful. I am trying to fill up with good things like going out with friends, taking trips (but this often includes eating), taking walks, phone calls, music, etc. I even made a Joy list at the request of my health coach. I have included all the things which give me happiness and fill my cup. All these are great but the hour or so before bed when I am tired and lonely, I start reaching for the snacks.

I have tried different ways of meditating. Meditation has been difficult for me. They have to be guided because on my own I last about a minute. Listening is great but when they are finished I am back to thinking, also I don’t like to use electronics right before bed. I prefer to read a book (does anyone read anymore?). That usually helps unless the book is super interesting and then I think about it all night. I have tried other things as well but so far, nothing seems to do the trick on a regular basis.

Tonight I am going out to see Top Gun with a friend, finally, but just before I have my Relationship Mastery class on Zoom. This has definitely helped my view on life. I realize I am happier with myself, being by myself, better able to do things for myself, and better able to express what I need to myself and others. I am not always successful in each relationship interaction but I am discovering so much I wish I had known before. Gurjit, my wonderful teacher, has opened my eyes in so many ways.

I was skeptical that I would be able to make a change. I may not always be able to see how far I have come but lately, I have been realizing the ways I have been responsible for how things are. Taking responsibility for things I have said or done, learning about myself, and seeing things from a different perspective. I am not sure anyone else can tell but I hope so. I feel happier in general and can get myself out of the rut quicker, without the use of medication. Part of feeling happier may also be that I am getting used to my surroundings. It takes a while to get acclimated to a place and I may be finally doing that as well.

I am getting ready for another adventure. I leave tomorrow (another early morning flight) and have been impressed by the number of things I have accomplished when I want to. I have rebooked appointments, gone through my email, and taken care of a number of things that needed to be handled. I feel proud of myself and so very glad I have been able to take advantage of the opportunities I have before me.