Wednesday I reported I had a headache and did not feel well because I was dehydrated. I woke up Thursday with the same symptoms and I had had enough water to drink. This past Monday I changed medications for my depression. It occurred to me to look at the side effects and sure enough, those were the two most common. I made the decision not to take any more and the next morning I was hungry, not queasy, and only a slight headache. It means this medication is not the one for me.

The reason I changed medications were the side effects of a different nature with the other but also unacceptable and the doctor told me it would take a long time to recover from them the longer I used it. She had another suggestion but it was common to gain weight, so I said no. I have already gained 10 pounds, I don’t want more. The new one did decrease my appetite by making me feel ill. Not exactly what I was looking for so time to work on my diet and exercise.

When I was preparing to move here I did not bring a lot of clothes. I had 2 pairs of jeans in my current size and 2 one size down. I have worn out my two bigger pairs and only worn the smaller ones once or twice. I assumed not having a car would force me to walk and the weight would fall off. I hoped the stress of the divorce would just disappear my weight but it actually increased it which is disappointing. .

I did not realize how much the stress had added to my waistline and the fact I would have access to so many things I love to eat. I do not like the way I like, nor feel good about myself and all this and other things are contributing to the depression. I am treating the symptoms, not the reasons.

As I was journaling Thursday and considering all this, some thoughts occurred to me. I have not accomplished anything, I am not successful nor am I the great person I want to be. I discovered I went a bit deeper and realized I may have some misconceptions about what these things mean to me. I have put meanings to them based on my learning and experiences in life.

Here are some things I realized I thought success meant: you have to have big achievements, drive a nice car, have lots of money, a nice home, and in order to achieve this, I need to be a size 6, toned, non-procrastinator, and have my act together (which means no flaws, no crazy). I can not be great until I have achieved these things plus be pretty and put together (make-up and clothes just right), have loads of great friends and family who want to be with me because I am such a nice, kind, caring person.

Those are huge expectations! No wonder I am feeling bad about myself. I have failed in a long-term relationship, I have moved to a place foreign to me with few friends and family. I have been looking for love outside of myself, hoping others would make me happy.

So I got curious during journaling. What if I already was successful, great, and loved? Is it possible? I have a place to live, I have friends and family nearby who want to see me, I have enough food, clothes, etc. and then some. I may not have the body I want but it works. I can do all the things I need to, my mind is clear and functioning and I have the opportunity to make new choices. Am I good enough, loved enough, smart enough already? Of course, I am!

I have successfully moved to Sweden, gotten an apartment, bank account, friends, and a small job. Is it exactly what I thought it would be? No. Does this make it unsuccessful? No! It is not perfect but nothing is. I have achieved something I thought was only a dream. I moved to Sweden. There are absolutely trials and I realized I have survived them too. Am I a great person? That one is a bit more challenging. I will say I am a good person. I have a kind heart, love people, keep trying, give to others and have loving friends and family who support me. I feel I am very lucky most of the time.

Will I still have challenges? I certainly expect so. We all must face them in our own way. We are not meant to be perfect and we do not need to be a movie star or president to be considered successful. We can be successful in our own day-to-day lives. Life is truly a journey. One step at a time. I am surrounded by loving people who are cheering me on all along the way. They lift me up and shine the light for me when I am in the dark. Thank you for doing this for me and I hope I do the same for you. We need each other. This is success and greatness. Being there for others. Caring and kindness to our human family. Those we know and also those we don’t. Please share your own insight or thoughts. I would love to hear them. Thank you for the love and generosity I receive every day.

Friday night was tough being alone. Tonight I went to see a friend. She made an 80s dish called Flying Jacob with bananas, chicken, peanuts, tomato cream sauce snd cheese served with rice and a beautiful salad. We had pears with melted mint chocolate, served with ice cream, whip cream and chopped Diam candy bar. Delicious!! I am very lucky to have terrific friends. After dinner we went out to the Latino festival. Super fun finale. Helped my mood a great deal and I walked over 20,000 steps today! I needed that.