One year ago today on June 1st I became a US citizen. Little did I know how good the timing was. I had no idea I would be going through a divorce and moving to my homeland to try out my Swedish heritage. Little did I know my heart would be broken so quickly again and life was going to be so tough. Little did I know I don’t fit in Sweden either. From what I have heard from others it takes time to settle in. Not sure I can stay and wait but decisions are looming and need to be made.
I signed the divorce papers today and it makes me sad. Lots of things make me sad today. I am realizing a few things I thought were real are not what I thought. Feeling a bit foolish for thinking they were and that life would somehow be better by moving myself so far away from everything familiar. I can not leave myself, all my thoughts and feelings are still inside and follow me around like a dark cloud from a cartoon. The depression is settling in and I am trying to fight my way up to the light. It is taking everything I have to stay when I want to leave this life. I want the pain to leave, my heart to be whole and life to be good again. It feels like the dark is winning but I will keep fighting, I can’t give up because I am told something beautiful will come. I know there are people who love and care about me more than I care about myself right now. I want to crawl into a dark hole and disappear until the pain stops. Please let the pain stop. It hurts so much.
It has been raining here on the outside, as it is for me on the inside. The rain will get lighter today and hopefully, my heart will as well. I hope to see the sun again and feel happy. Right now my heart is breaking into a million pieces and I feel like such a fool thinking I could run away from myself and that someone else can help take the pain away when instead they have just brought more. I have an opportunity to learn from this process and grow through the garbage of life and become a beautiful flower, rising from the ashes like a phoenix.
I keep on keeping on as the British saying goes. Despite the hardships and tears falling on my cheeks as I write this. It will be ok. Everything will get better, it has to. There is only one way to go.
Today they are coming to stage the apartment and tomorrow they will take photos and it will go up for sale. A showing will be scheduled and I imagine it will sell quickly because it is so great. Then I have 3 months left in this place. Where will I go? I have yet to finalize my plan but at the moment it feels like I need to go back to the states. Maybe to my Arizona home and see how it feels. The tenants currently renting want to purchase it and I have been thinking about options but for now, I will wait and see how I feel about it. More waiting.
Life is tough today and has been since I came home from Norway. I am so grateful I got to go and see my family. I knew I had to seize the opportunity as it arose and I am so glad. Life is not meant to be easy all the time and things will hopefully calm down soon. Thanks for reading and I am grateful you care. I know you do. I feel it in my heart which gives me the strength I need to keep my head up and move forward with the day.
Take 2 of Life 
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