Life is messy. It doesn’t always go the way we want. A dear friend just reminded me on her blog that “a goal redefined is not failure”. I had a goal when I came here, live in Sweden for a year. Experience all the seasons, holidays and life in general.  I started my plan and put pieces into play to make the move. I moved. Left everything I knew to come to a place I thought was familiar.

The city, the language and some of the customs are familiar. The food is as expected. Getting into a routine has been tough, I still don’t have one. In general, it has been more challenging than expected. The moving around would have been more acceptable in my 20’s, but not now. The connections I was making have mostly fizzled out because of my lack of attention to them.  I feel a bit lost just now, in this in-between place I find myself. I was used to not having a full routine. I had several regular things each month I did before. Here everything is irregular.

Life is about change, isn’t it? It is full of change and possibilities. Opportunities to grow, live differently, and experience new things. We make plans and they don’t always come about the way you want or expect. We adapt or don’t.  We learn or don’t. We get to choose how it goes at times, sometimes we don’t.  People die, we get divorced, people leave our circle of friendship, we gain weight or lose weight, we work on life or give up on it. The one thing about life that is constant is change.

My reaction to life’s changes are up to me. How resilient am I? What do I do when an opportunity arises? I know I need to take responsibility for my own life. I feel lost and afraid at times and empowered and strong at others. One of my favorite authors SARK calls this the “marvelous messy middle”. This is where the magic happens. It doesn’t feel marvelous to me at all right now.

I find myself trying to control, rather than letting it flow. I find myself resisting and fighting the process. I find myself overwhelmed and fatigued with all the decisions needing to be made right now. Part of me says, just go back to the states, it is familar. You can redefine the goal. The other reminds me there will be decisions to make there as well.

I am a work in process. I need to have some tough conversations and each one will help me get where I need to be. For now, I am going to get dressed, enjoy the day and go to a concert for Helen Sjöholm which I spontaneously purchased last week. One of my favorite songs is “Gabriella’s sång” from the movie As n Heaven. It is about wanting to feel like you have lived your life. She just released album a new album called En Ny Tid (a new time). Something to look forward to. She has a beautiful voice.