My 23rd wedding anniversary is tomorrow January 30th. He left me on the 23rd and that is also my birth date. Numbers can be funny. We had been together for 30 years. We both made mistakes but we had a pretty good life, not perfect but I remember sometimes wishing I could be alone to do exactly what I wanted. I got my wish. Happy endings like in the movies are not real. There are ups and downs, things you can’t control, another person to attend to and an assortment of annoying and beautiful things which we have to learn to accept. We can not expect someone to change. And it takes work to make a marriage hold together and sometimes, we get lazy, forget and take people for granted thinking things would be better if… Sometimes they are but sometimes they aren’t.

Couples stay together for a variety of reasons when they no longer love each other. Economy, fear of the unknown, etc. Whatever the reason, it is painful staying or going on when it doesn’t work out. We tried for a long time. A few years ago we discussed how we probably shouldn’t have gotten married. We didn’t navigate the challenges which came up very well. I was not the best stepmother for his daughters because of my own issues. I did the best I could back then, but honestly they deserved better. I thought we had made it and grown stronger but as it turns out we just delayed it.

I watched the movie “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert a couple of times this week. It is about the evolution of her life after divorce and how she found love in the end. I hope my journey through this will be good for me too. I watched this movie because I found myself wanting someone to relate to. Her circumstances were different but it helps me get closer to forgiving Dan and I have to share the blame. It wasn’t just him. It was both of us. I wonder if my blogging can help someone too, like the book and movie helped me. Maybe it will help someone appreciate their spouse more or push through when it gets hard. Things have gotten easier but then I pull it all back in to me because I can’t quite let go. I can never go back and I know it no longer exists but I still want him back sometimes.

I also watched “Nottinghill” which is one of my favorite movies. As a group of friends are sitting around sharing a last meal at Tony’s restaurant, Bella makes a toast to Tony whose restaurant is closing. Bella says “Don’t take it personally. The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life.  No one knows why some things work out and some things don’t, why some of us get lucky and some of us ….” Then there is a lot of banter but it got me to thinking sometimes we can do our best and it still doesn’t work. We just have to keep moving forward even when we don’t want to.

I still want someone to love deeply and passionately. Someone I can depend on, spend time with as well as time apart doing my own thing. Someone who shares some of my interests and yet have their own. Someone who understands me and loves me despite my flaws. Someone who gets my sense of humor. Someone to hold me when I am feeling down. Someone next to me in the evening to cuddle with. Someone I can make happy. Someone who shares the same values and standards. Is there such a man out there for me? Someone who finds me beautiful inside and out? Time will tell or perhaps I need to stop watching sappy love stories and let love find me when I have healed.

I have been spending time with friends but also someone else. He has shown me kindness and affection. Being with him has definitely brought up a variety of different issues and insecurities. He is gone for a few weeks and I feel the neediness pulling at me hard. We are so different and not sure how things could work out and yet my insides are screaming “please don’t leave me”. I have been hiding him for a month because I don’t want to be judged. He did the exact opposite and introduced me to his family right away. I feel silly but it feels so good to be wanted. Too much too soon, probably, but I will enjoy it while it lasts. I am not be strong enough yet.

But how lucky am I anyway? I am living my dream life in Sweden. I spent my Friday evening knitting a scarf and watching movies, wishing I had company and trying to be okay without. All kinds of self defeating thoughts flooding through my head. I want to be a braver, stronger, version of myself. Someone who can manage to be on my own and survive. I want to heal my broken heart and let go of the past so I can move into the present. I want to be open and vulnerable and yet protect myself.

I have done lots of therapy over the years and have found things to help but I am doing something different this time. A different approach, relationship coaching. She has already helped me see things in a different way and introduced me to other wonderful amazing people which helps me fill my evenings. The days are still difficult, but volunteering will help. Serving others has always helped fulfill me and given me a sense of purpose. I need to stop focusing so much on the loss and live in the moment. It is all I have.