2 months in Sweden

Last night I had brilliant ideas for my blog but not today. The good news is my bank account is open and will soon have money in it. Dan has wired money which I should have Monday. The debit card is on it’s way. The downside is I can not access my account because I have not properly set up my BankID. I have to go in Monday and fix it. Soon, very soon!

I have been holding it together. Getting the apartment ready, telling myself I don’t need him, being distracted by other things but the truth is I am sad and lonely, today at least. I won’t allow myself to be here too long. It hurts too much. It helps to talk to family and friends but it isn’t the same.

I long for the person to sit next to and share things with. Someone to cuddle with, who makes me feel safe. Someone who will hold me when I feel sad and get me the box of tissues when I cry. I miss my best friend who said he cared for me. I long for my old life and I realize it is gone. I am still mourning and the pain is real. I miss the kids and grandkids. I miss a familiar way of life. I miss my friends and family.

It has been been long time since I have had a good cry. What do I have to cry about? I have everything I need, this is what I wanted. I put myself here. I made my choices. I am responsible for the outcome too. I feel the need to control, to create a safe place for myself. Everything has to have a place and I want to know what is coming next, except no one can know fully. I am struggling to allow things to happen and just be.

I create my own destiny. The other part is discovering and allowing things to occur so I can move on but I am resisting. Resisting doing it any other way but my own. Resisting any more changes. Feeling anything for anyone because I may get hurt. Resisting but moving forward with tiny steps like attending the relationship and business course I started last week. Meeting new people even when I don’t want to. Baby steps to push past the resistance. A little at a time and it will come.

I discovered I had Netflix on my TV so I signed on and decided to watch the movie Julie & Julia. If you haven’t watched it, I highly recommend it. Julie cooks and blogs her way through Julia Childs’ French cookbook. She gives herself a year to get thru all 524 recipes. Her journey of success, disappointment and discovery is what inspires.

I am reminded life isn’t always easy and it takes work. In the end it will be worth it. So it shall be for me as well!

11 responses to “2 months in Sweden”

Deanna

January 15, 2022 at 9:28 am

You are doing wonderful! You are dealing with the pain of loss, and you’re working through it. I wish I could give you a hug. When I have dealt with loss, I’ve forced a smile, and eventually, it helps. Better to force the smile than give in to despair. Very difficult, and some days are harder than others, but it’s all worth it. I know you’ll blossom into the best you’ve ever been!!!!! Know you’ve got emotional support from those of us that’ve gone through our own re-birth. Hugs & more hugs

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1. Jeanette Olsson Wiggins
  
  January 15, 2022 at 9:36 am
  
  Thanks friend. I appreciate you cheering me on.
  
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  1. desiree
    
    January 15, 2022 at 10:53 am
    
    I am actually very impressed at what you have accomplished in such a short time in Sweden. Your moves, and now what I see in pictures, a nice apartment, meeting new people, some becoming friends, taking care of business, bank accounts, etc, classes, church and so much more. Life is a journey, some days better than others, but you are strong and keep moving forward.
    
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  2. Jeanette Olsson Wiggins
    
    January 15, 2022 at 12:03 pm
    
    Thank you Desiree.
    
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Julie

January 15, 2022 at 5:49 pm

I am proud of you my friend…. Even on the days that you dont feel so great about yourself. You are on a journey that is taking you to such a wonderful happiness. You are working harder than most people would be in order to find what will bring you peace and joy. Keep moving forward even if its baby steps. I cant wait to see the you that you are becoming!!!! Hugs and Loves!!

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Cathryn Wellner

January 16, 2022 at 2:03 am

There’s no quick path through such a major loss. You have shown amazing courage to open yourself to the upheaval of a move so far from the home you’ve known. You are grateful in large and small ways. You are spending time with people you enjoy. You are welcoming new experiences. The sadness that weaves through your days cuts deeply. It is hard to bear, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. In the years ahead it will give you even greater compassion for the wounded around you. Years ago, when I was going through my first divorce (yes, a rather checkered history in my case, and a second is no easier than a first), I came across Christine Lavin’s song, Damaged Goods. I cried every time I played it but kept listening to it because I understood it viscerally. I’m grateful for the men I’ve loved, the places I’ve lived, even the disappointments that have been harsh teachers. They’ve all brought me to this place of real joy. I wish you peace. I wish you solace. I wish you joy.

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1. Jeanette Olsson Wiggins
  
  January 16, 2022 at 1:53 pm
  
  Thank you Cathryn. Thanks Thanks the encouragement.
  
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Kathleen

January 16, 2022 at 12:21 pm

All of the above Jeanette, the only other thing that comes to mind is from a sticker we put on our jackets when we were at the capital in Olympia: It’s always darkest before dawn. ~~ I know I know “How long will the dark last?” Maybe the answer is ‘as long as we want. There is comfort in good memories, I get that and I have them too. Damn those memories! ~~ I see you compartmentalizing them in your words which I think is very good so just keep doing it and doing it and doing it ~~ works for me

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1. Jeanette Olsson Wiggins
  
  January 16, 2022 at 1:52 pm
  
  Thanks Kathleen.
  
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Kathy Coates

January 17, 2022 at 3:08 pm

Jeanette I am so in awe of you for the journey you are on. It is difficult but will pay off in the end. I know your goals were to go to Sweden for a year, do you have in other goals? Like Would you be happy to live there permanently? I’m hoping for you a job that you would love, get real satisfaction from. You would meet new people and hopefully make even more friends. I know how it feels to only have a pillow to hold and cry, keep going woman you can do this!!
Love you,
Kathy

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1. Jeanette Olsson Wiggins
  
  January 17, 2022 at 11:00 pm
  
  Thank you Kathy! I love you.
  
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