I feel absolutely broken. I read something the other day about the things happening today are a result of unhealed things in the past. They suggested I see this as a gift of healing. It is difficult to see it as a gift when someone you wanted to spend your life with and whom you felt such tremendous love for that you ached inside, no longer wants you. Someone you relied on. Someone you trusted and yet I wasn’t always kind. I took him for granted. I did not treasure him as he deserved to be treasured. I had to be right more than caring for our relationship. I helped bring this to pass. That hurts too. Knowing I helped make this happen.

How could I have been so careless? How did I miss what was happening to our relationship? How can I move forward? Will I ever feel worthy to be loved again? I have made so many mistakes. How does one move forward after so many years? Is it even possible? What do I need to learn so this doesn’t happen again?

I have hurt people. I have been hurt. I have not always done the right thing and neither have they. Perhaps this is why we don’t live forever here on earth, we couldn’t possibly endure it. This is but a small moment and it will teach us to grow. A tree needs the wind to grow the roots and make it strong. We need the trials to help us grow too. But it hurts. It hurts so much.

It is interesting how you can look back and see things with more clarity than when we are in the middle of it. Hopefully, we learn from it and see what may have been done differently, and make the necessary changes. Sometimes we do, but sometimes we don’t. It takes time, patience, resilience, and persistence. So much effort and it hurts.

My heart hurts. I don’t have anywhere to turn but God. I pray He helps me carry the burdens. I pray He forgives me as I ask forgiveness for those I have injured. I believe He forgives but only to the extent I forgive. This includes forgiving myself. I’m not there yet. God knows my heart and my capacity. He hears my prayers and loves me despite my weaknesses and mistakes. I don’t deserve it and yet He gives it freely.

I am grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to be forgiven. Grateful for the chance to heal and make things right. Will I be able to? I don’t know the answer to this question yet. I hope so.

Am I excited to be moving back to Sweden? I would give it all up if I could rewind and put things right. But living in the past doesn’t do any good. All I have is now. I have no idea what the future holds. I hope and pray that someday the photos on my computer don’t make me weep. I pray someday we both will be happy. That someday we will look back and see the gift of healing which needed to take place.

For now, I just feel broken. But this too shall pass and things will look brighter in the future. It may not be tomorrow but I have to believe it will get better. Everyone promises it will and I have to trust it will or I will surely die with a broken heart. I will lean on the Lord, trusting Him. I pray healing comes soon.