Today marks 2 months since my husband of almost 23 years moved out of the family home. We had been having discussions prior to this but I had decided everything would be ok. We were just going through a rough patch. Alas, that was not how it went.

He took a few days to think, discuss with an attorney apparently and came back 4 days later to tell me he wanted a divorce and made his offer. We have been together for almost 30 years next month. It was devastating to discover he no longer wanted to be together. I had waited for such a long time for someone like him and while we had troubles, who doesn’t. We were a great team!

The first 4 weeks were the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The depression was palpable. I was in so much pain. I cried, raged and begged him to come back and all the while he stood his ground. I hoped and prayed I wouldn’t wake up because waking up to the reality was a nightmare every single day. I felt so alone and empty inside. I was as miserable as a person could be.

Telling his children, my step-children or Bonus Children was really tough. It had only been a couple of days and I was still digesting the news myself and felt like my whole world was falling apart. I was losing my only kids and grandkids, my home, my security and my job, as we worked on real estate projects together and I was a housewife. I loved being a wife. Decorating our home was one of my favorite things. We had just moved 2 1/2 years ago after being in the same home previously for over 20 years. The idea of packing so soon again was excruciating to think about.

A month later I have had many therapy sessions, cried a million tears, even today. I am still heartbroken but have had decisions to make about what to do, where to go and what was next. The first decision was really the life long dream of living in Sweden. Could I do it? I still have my Swedish citizenship so I could work there. I speak the language but am a beginner level reader and write rather poorly. My self confidence is at an all time low and has been for a while but the idea grew and if ever I was going to do it, now was the time. If I waited and stayed, got a job, an apartment, etc. the opportunity would slip away as it had many times before.

I decided the holidays would be unbearable where I was. My birthday is around Thanksgiving and I couldn’t bear the idea of being without him and his family when they were so close. Christmas season would be a delightful time to explore the area with all the cities and towns decorated with lights and all my favorite treats available in bakeries all around. I could write about my adventures, explore, discover and live the life I had dreamed of long ago. It comes at a cost however, the cost of the known. The family, friends and community I love so dearly. It is interesting how joy and pain can reside together.

I am grateful for the opportunity this painful experience is offering. It is both exciting and painful to learn and grow. I am scared out of my mind in some ways but comforted knowing my family and friends in Sweden are happy to welcome me home.

My household belongings are packed and will be stored until I return or decide what is next. My personal items have come down to a few things as I prepare for the winter and wind in the coming months. I have been seeing as many friends and family as I can manage and I feel the love of all of you who are reading this first post. Thank you for being there for me, supporting me, and loving me. Things get better a tiny increment at a time as I accept and let go. In time, I hope to only feel a twinge of the heartache I feel now.