Since my last post I have been busy but it doesn’t feel like I have accomplished anything of value. This lack of accomplishment eats at me on a daily basis. My life is passing by and what can I say is my accomplishment? I barely finished high school, I have been married and divorced twice, I got my realtors license but only used it for a few months and have had many, many jobs. My move to Sweden does not feel like an accomplishment, just something which happened as a result of divorce. I have no degrees, no certificates, and not even children to carry on my legacy.

When I was younger the expectation for me was to be a wife, mother and be a strong member of my faith. I failed at all. My parents divorced when I was young and my mother remarried. She and my stepfather decided to move from Sweden, with my sister and I, to the United States. I added cousins, aunts and uncles and another grandmother and grandfather. But I missed my father dearly. However, for his own reasons, he didn’t keep in touch and died some years ago now with us not being friends. Some people were expected to go to college, to get high-paying jobs with a career. I did not value college nor did I know how to attend, so I did not even try. I never expected myself to be anything but a secretary, a wife and a mother.

I became a wife at the early age of 18. I was married five years. I was not able to have children and was told I was too young to adopt. I felt the desire to have children. It broke my heart each time I thought I was pregnant, only to find out I wasn’t. I was told twice I had miscarriages, but both happened before I knew I was pregnant. Everyone around me seemed to be having babies at that time, except me. I never expected I would have a family. When I married my second husband I knew he didn’t want more children and I thought it would be enough with his, but it wasn’t. I am certainly grateful for them but it was incredibly difficult to be a stepparent.

This week I have been working on being alone. I seem to take one step forward and two steps back. Sorin, my boyfriend, moved to a town north of where I live, for a job. He had been unsuccessful here so he moved Wednesday evening with a few hours notice. He knew someone who also drives bus and he got hired. He wants me to come there but I plan to stay in Malmö until my lease ends, but it is incredibly lonely. I have wonderful, supportive friends and family and they fill my time up but the nights are long. Eventually, I have to come back to myself.

In the meantime, I have been on a lot of video calls and I am grateful for the technology to be able to meet this way. I have also been with friends many times this week. I have started my 90 day challenge and it has been a challenge. I got myself prepped and ready to go but the last couple of days I have already been slipping. My goal is to walk 10,000 steps every day, do 4 resistance training sessions a week and log my food daily. I have accomplished a few walks, 2 resistance classes and have managed to attend the calls and log most of my food. I am thinking of the food logging as a tool to see what I eat but when I overeat I don’t record anything. I already feel myself not expecting much of myself because so far in my life, there are few things I have taken to completion. I know I won’t be able to change until I figure out what the blockage is. I keep repeating old behaviors.

I want to change but it feels impossible. I want to be okay just the way I am, but I am not. I am lonely, sad and overweight. I am drowning in my own drepression and my weight continues to go up. I know some of the reasons, but feel helpless to change. I feel so much stress from all the decisions I have to make and my inability to make. I have gotten through the bad days so far but there are moments when I just feel I can’t do anymore. I can’t make any more decisions. I can’t push through the pain that is in my heart and doesn’t want to release me. I know my stubborn personality will be helpful here but at this particular moment I am wallowing. I don’t want to be fixed, I just want to be okay the way I am with no expectations, but I know I want more. I just want someone to hold me and not fix me, just love me until the hurt goes away. I want someone to understand me when I don’t understand myself.

I have managed to get by today by pretending I am ok, by not letting anyone get too close to see the pain inside of me. I have a deep yearning for a life I can be proud of but life is full of disappointments. I keep hoping things will get better but it just isn’t today, maybe tomorrow. Depression is a dark and lonely place to be. What does help is having a cat. She has been a blessing and tomorrow is a new day.