in a land far, far away I moved. It seems like a long time ago and yet not long ago that I came to Sweden. It has been tough a lot of the time and the tough times have made it difficult for me to feel at home here. I am proud of myself for taking the opportunity to live out the fantasy in my mind, even if it hasn’t been all I expected, it has been the experience of a lifetime.

When I look back at the photos I remember all the places I have gotten to see in the time I have been here. There are still so many more I want to see and experience but time will tell if that comes to be. I want to live more “in the moment” than I have been and enjoy the life I have created for myself. The challenges I have faced have been real and I have not fully embraced the good that has come from them.

Within the year I have moved 4 times. All within the city. I have gained some wonderful friends. I have made stronger connections with my cousin and her daughter. Despite all this, I feel lonely at times and have not come to peace with it. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I thought it was what I wanted and maybe it is what I need to learn to be able to sit with myself and enjoy the quiet moments.

Friday both of my step-daughters reached out to me. One asked me the name of the pizza we liked. The other one wanted to video chat. Of course, I was thrilled. They rarely reach out to me. It is usually me doing that and that is my role as their stepmother is to be there for them. It’s always been a struggle knowing where I fit in, even when I was married, which I realize now, was my own doing. I feel we have made progress with our video chats and messages. I feel I can enjoy them more and just be there for them.

I have had the means to not have to work in order to be here, which has been a gift. The small job I picked up a couple weeks ago was wonderful and I look forward to seeing what comes next. The woman who owns the restaurant is in Spain and comes back later this week. Then we will sit down and chat about what she can offer me. She wants to build up her business but she needs help with bookkeeping and sometimes filling in when someone takes a vacation or is sick in one of her three locations and the kitchen. She also wants a sales person to build up the catering side. Who knows what my role will be but it may be the perfect fit to work when needed and then have time to explore when I am not.

Am I glad I came? Yes, if I hadn’t I would always be wondering how it would be. Has it been the success I wanted it to be? Yes and No, I can say I have had some success but not tremendous, perhaps my expectations were unrealistic. Have I learned to become a better person? I would say yes and no. Life is a struggle for us all and sometimes it is just hard. Some things I have improved but still have more to work on. Had I stayed in the states would it be any different? I would venture to guess no because where ever I go there I am. Until I can see what I am doing, I will continue to create the same problems.

I hoped I would gain perspective with the distance from the life I once had and I suppose I have in a way. I can see my place with the family was real but I made a mess of it by never being happy with what I had. The same is happening here in Sweden. I can not seem to be happy with my current situation. I ask myself why all the time. Why can’t I be happy? What is wrong with me that I can not see how lucky I am? I have had a year-long vacation of sorts but sorting all the things out has been more difficult than I ever imagined. More decisions than I was prepared to make in my fragile state, but I have done it anyway.

My hair has grown longer as I haven’t had it cut since before I left. I have only had two pedicures because I forget to book a time. I have enjoyed a few massages but could use one now but my migraines have been far fewer here. I haven’t lost the weight I hoped. I have gotten new glasses. I have been blessed to have had a comfortable place to live the entire time and while it has been stressful, getting to experience different parts of town has been exciting. I have my small Body Pump training job, which I enjoy, and I can pick up extra classes when I want. I have acquired a small car which has been working very well aside from the few parking tickets I have gotten (learned lessons). I have figured out how to get around on the bus, by bicycle, by walking, or by driving. Learned about the health care system. Cried through some days and enjoyed others.

I hope to enjoy the holidays a bit more this year. I am planning on hosting a small thanksgiving dinner with friends and family. My cousin Sherelle is coming to visit me from the states and will be here for my birthday. I hope I can relax and enjoy the holidays and keep myself occupied with festivities. The lights have already been going up around town and I look forward to seeing all of that soon. The days are shorter and the nights are long but the turning point is just around the corner. I have so much to look forward to.

My grandchildren ask me often when I am coming home and tell me it feels like forever. I miss them very much and am very grateful for the blessings of the video chats. Overall, I wouldn’t trade my experience for something else. I just can’t believe it’s been a year. Time moved so slowly in the beginning but has picked up speed exponentially as time has a way of doing when things become familiar. Life moves on at a rapid pace and I hope I get to enjoy it for a while to come yet.