As I approach a year of being in Sweden I certainly thought I would be a lot thinner but alas I am not. I have one training class a week and thank goodness for that. Yesterday was a fantastic class. I had a really full class with many who are returning. Love seeing people and getting to know them. I pick up an extra class now and then when it suits me and tomorrow I have one more. This guarantees that I will be training at least twice this week.

As I ponder about my weight I am not where I would like to be. I have gained and lost weight so many times it feels discouraging to be in this place again. My ex-husband commented I stopped caring and gave up and maybe I have. I have been on a thousand different diets, powders, pills, etc. but still haven’t managed to get my mindset straight. It bothers me. I want to find myself attractive. I want to feel good in my own skin but I am a serious stress eater. I pretty much eat for all kinds of reasons.

I am hoping to get to the bottom of this by changing my thought patterns. I have been working with a generous lady named Laura who is a health coach and we have been working on mindset. She has encouraged me to try a different way and I have been resistant. I am noticing more but I still do the same thing. I keep hoping something is going to click and it will be the thing that changes for me. I have tried drinking more water, but I rarely succeed. I have tried low carb but as soon as a carb comes back so does my weight and I like cake and chocolate. I want to eat like Laura. She eats what she wants. We have shared meals together and I see she still enjoys food but she also has a balanced approach to it. She minds her sugar, protein, and fiber content.

She is an amazing coach and cheers me on and I never, ever feel judged by her. She encourages me and reminds me of my goals when I forget. She has been such a positive influence and yet I feel as if I have failed her and myself because I have not made the progress I hoped. She never judges me for what I have done or not done and I love this about her. I met her through my relationship coach, Gurjit, but we were doing a class on business. I liked her right away and wanted to work with her. Yet another friendship developed.

My relationship with food is something that needs to be examined. Perhaps my relationship with food and what I think it means is the key. We have explored different things. I want a partner who loves me for the size I am. The problem is I am not in love with myself yet. When I lose weight I still feel not enough so there is something inside that needs more exploration. I want to love how I look and I want to feel good about myself but can’t quite get myself there. Laura and I keep exploring and I just love knowing she is there for me, always.

I’ll keep working on things. There has been a lot of stress since I have been here. Probably not super helpful in keeping the weight down. I tell myself when things settle down it will fall off. So many things are up in the air I can’t quite get myself grounded. I don’t have much of a stable routine which could also be something to work on. Daily walks and thinking more about what my body needs to give me more energy so I feel like going for that walk. One thing leads to another. It’s an ongoing journey and with Laura at my side I know I will get it figured out. Life is too short to be at war with myself, so I will start loving myself more and see what I can do.