I am feeling I can finally take care of myself a little. Last night when I wrote the later part of this blog I felt more confident than I do in this moment but I feel ready to start loving myself and giving myself what I need. Yesterday I treated myself to a pedicure and manicure. My first one here in Sweden. They had a lot of people booked at 10 am and limited personnel but it was nice to get the massage chair going and relax after my Body Pump training.

I am learning a new release Body Pump release #121. It did not appeal to me at first but it is growing on me as they usually do. When I watched the video I couldn’t hear the music well enough for the cues but when I listen seperately it is much easier with the majority of tracks to hear the cues. Excited and nervous to present it to the 30 minute class I am subbing for on Monday evening and again at my regular class in full on Tuesday. Still have some work to do to feel ready.

The rest of the week has been fairly quiet. Did not get any of the jobs I have applied for but that is ok. I have a lot of plans for the next month so best not to have a job. Hopefully all goes according to plan. That suits me best.

I finally got to the doctor about my knee. He didn’t find any concerns and gave me some exercises to strengthen the muscles coming down to the knee cap. Hopefully that helps. Twice a day. Pretty simple and hopefully I will do them. It does hurt a bit and he said it may at first and we would check in a month to see if my knee has improved.

That doctor also booked me an appointment for a mental health check up per my request. I went there friday. I talked, she listened and she said finding someone could take months to book so she gave me an online option. We will see if it works out that way. In the meantime, I am working on my health but I do have some anti-depressants now which I am not too keen on taking but I realize I need to do something before I get any further off track. She also gave me some sleeping tablets for when I have a hard time which is probably also affecting the other.

I have been struggling for over a year or more at this point. I had some other sleep aids but they gave me a tremendous headache so can’t use them. The natural supplement I take have not been strong enough to stop all the thoughts in ny mind when I lay down. Meditation has so far proven very difficult. I have been keeping myself socially active but you can not be busy with people 24/7. I am still alone with myself and need to find a way to enjoy the peace. Recognizing and changing those thoughts at those moments in a positive direction has been my biggest challenge.

One of my dear friends Ann gave me this advice which I have been pondering. She wrote “Maybe the answer is exactly in the dark hole, and at the center of your pain that you’re trying to run from in your search for happiness. Stop running. Happiness cannot be chased. Maybe you can only dissolve your pain by fully feeling it; by following its course all the way through to the other side. Allow the brokenness to open you up. Allow your pain to tell you all it needs to say. Listen. Cry all your tears until all you feel is peace, not happiness, but a profound peace, which is far more sustainable than happiness which is more often than not, only fleeting. Happiness is not in Sweden, nor in Arizona, nor anywhere else. Happiness can be experienced anywhere whenever you’re at peace with and within yourself.” Thank you Ann.

I appreciate all who have reached out to me and offered suggestions. I do take them into consideration. Some may work, some may not but I consider them all. I am going to stop running and find peace. I intend to take charge of my life, stand up for myself and what I want and while it doesn’t mean I will not compromise, I will not let myself be pushed around. I need to start taking control rather than letting it control me. I know I may not get it right all the time but I am brave, I am strong and I got this! It is time to love the life I have left to live.