I almost missed writing today. It is fast approaching midnight here in Sweden but here I am writing a few lines. This evening got fairly emotional. It started with finding out my attorney wants more money and me requesting Dan to pay since he has the means. This lead to a few emails back and forth between Dan and me and us at a standstill on negotiations but me having some major breakthroughs.

I discovered tonight during a coaching call in my relationship class how much I have under valued myself my entire life. Whatever the reasons, I have not placed myself high enough to give myself the value I deserve. This has led to a great deal of pain. Now I find myself negotiating what I am worth in divorce. What do I feel I am worthy of receiving. I do not want to undervalue myself. In terms of money I am not being greedy but what value do I give the past 30 years? What is the value of the rest of my life? What do I need to give myself? What can I let go of and learn from all this? We all have different lessons to learn and life is a great teacher if we let it be.

I have also learned that it is not confidence I need in my relationships but love, patience and understanding. I need to approach them all with these things. I am reading a book called “Real love in Marriage” by Greg Baer and he says a lot of us are literally drowning from a lack of real love and if we picture the person we are angry with as drowning and it affects our attitude towards them. We can view them with compassion instead of anger. It works in all our relationships and the world can all use a whole lot of love.

I also realized I no longer want to go back to my marriage. I need to look forward not backward. Dan is a good man who may also be drowning and needing love. I need forgiveness in my heart so I can find happiness. He has been good to me by not withholding money from me, being trustworthy and honest. I don’t know where things will end up but in time I will forgive him. I will also forgive myself for my past mistakes and learn to value myself more.

This entire weekend and so far this week has been beautifully sunny. Tonight is foggy but it was so stunning. I went to the gym today for a class and discovered she was teaching what I was trying to learn. It was super fun music and I enjoy her personality. It was great a great workout as well. Then I walked with my neighbor and her dog to round out the evening. After being home working on books it was a great afternoon, despite all the emotions, I feel good about the day.

Monday I got to see my cousin Christina and her daughter. We had a nice visit together and look forward to more. I purchased some cinnamon roll Semlor which were excellent. A traditional semla has a sweet roll, almond paste and whip cream. These had vanilla cream and whip cream with the cinnamon roll. Very nice blend of flavors.

After all this emotion it is time to rest. My friend is coming back from Romania and I will be happy to see him. I feel very fortunate to be living this life I am living. Learning the things i need to and the accompanying growing pains. I am grateful to Dan for helping provide it and for all my wonderful friends and the support and love I feel. Thanks for calling, emailing, writing and spending time with me. I am so very fortunate.