I saw a commercial on television which called the days between Christmas and New Year mellandagar (in-between days). I had never really thought about it before. The days in-between the old and the new year. The days when we take down Christmas, set some plans or goals for the coming year, and generally prepare for what is coming next. Some may have days off to enjoy with friends and family. Others just take time to rest from the business of Christmas preparations.

My life is a bit like this time at the moment. In between my old life and whatever my new life is going to be. It is an uncertain time for me. Not sure which road to take and am unable to make long-term plans because I feel unstable and unsure what to do next. I am typically a planner. I don’t plan every moment but I normally have a general idea of where I want to go, except the past few years.

I have been unable to set a direction for my life. I did not have any great things I wanted to accomplish. I haven’t wanted to go back to school, it’s been hard to focus on my health and generally, I have lacked motivation in a lot of areas. Along with this, my self-confidence has suffered because I haven’t felt good at anything. I certainly can do laundry, keep house and keep busy. Those things have come easily for me but I haven’t pushed myself in any direction because I do not know what I want.

Perhaps this rudderless life stage has taken me to this point of forcing me to make some decisions. Perhaps this is also what has led me to the move to Sweden despite it being one of the scariest things I have ever done. I expected it to be different than it has been. I have had to push myself into meeting people, going outside, doing things alone, learning a new culture, and definitely learning new words and a completely different lifestyle.

I have been lonely and that loneliness has been tough on my mental health. I still don’t have a bank account, nor a job so I am alone a great deal. I get phone calls and video chats but it is not the same as having someone alongside to share life with. I miss having someone to discuss the day and plan what comes next.

The past two years, I have become interested in political issues and the current topics at hand. The divisiveness this pandemic has caused makes me sad. It has helped me a great deal to meet like-minded individuals, be able to talk together and be active in a group supporting things I believe strongly in. Church has also been a way to meet new people and the fellowship of these people has been helpful but not the same as when you have someone to come home to. I am finding my people but it takes a while to get in with others who have a life and for them to make room for you.

I did not get the key to my new apartment yet. He was not ready. I was able to have a quick look around and leave the papers with him to fill out. I will get the keys on the 3rd instead and I do still have the current apartment until Jan 6th so it works out fine, just another unexpected surprise. A great surprise was the grocery store a block away.

Sometimes I wish I knew what the future holds but I know it is best not to know. I do have a lot to look forward to in the coming week. Good friends to spend time with, a place to live, and enough and then some for the moment. Life often happens in the messy middle. I need to go for a walk soon as I feel the restlessness stirring. Happy New Year and may you be blessed in every way.