Two full days left and I am definitely on edge. I am terrified and excited at the same time. Will I be able to manage? Am I doing the right thing? Moving to Sweden is crazy 🤪.

Who does that? Someone in a crazy crisis. People get divorced all the time. It is a difficult thing. Separating your life from someone after 30 years.

The struggle is real.  I feel not good enough. Not being wanted by the person you love hurts. All the feelings of inadequacy are at the surface. I can hardly sleep, I am stress eating and have general anxiety.

My path is uncertain. What do I want to be and do for the next phase of life? How do I go on and be ok? Yes, I will survive. I have been divorced before but it was different. A difference of age, time and experience.

I thought the anxiety was gone after the nice family dinner we had Sunday. My granddaughter Ayreona took time off work to be there. Sheila gave me a card which made me cry. It was very touching, emotional and very sweet. The fact they all showed up was touching.

Dan did all he could to help make it a great final dinner with the family. He was great. Which makes me sad again and then to protect myself I get angry. The meal was ok. It was a hodgepodge from the freezer but it worked. I did not stress too much and it went well.

I gave each of them something I enjoyed and I thought they would also keep to remember me by.  Ayreona got a ring with our birthstone, she is a November baby too. Izayah got my Swedish soccer jersey, Alayna a pearl necklace, Shelby my cool Star Wars action figures. Sheila and Askia got a Dalahorse, and Rebecca the turtle earrings I have had since 7th grade and a Northern lights calendar. All special things I picked out just for them. Shelby also got my first knitted hat and now the other two want one as well. Izayah even asked me to show him how to knit.

So why do I feel so anxious and angry?I have family and friends who love and care about me. Am I what Dan says and discontented in life? Is it the situation? Things to keep working on. My dear friend Roni is a life coach and has made an offer to help. I also have a counselor and other things I could do. I am not great at following advice. I can see things need to change. Listen twice as much as I talk was some advice I heard somewhere. Probably a good place to start.

Here I am on the edge of whatever is next. Jumping off the deep end. Anything could happen now. It is up to me and with God’s help the possibilities are there to do better. I want to accept the challenges which come with grace and learn to bend in the wind and not be blown down.

Know that I love each of you following me on my journey. I have appreciated the love, support, and guidance you have given. It will be great having you along with me. I need all of you in my life and though I may not have gotten to see you all, I am grateful for you. Each of you hold a special place in my heart. Thank you for being here. You are perfect the way you are! And to steal a quote from a podcast I love, “You are God’s favorite” and mine.