I feel extremely humbled and grateful for the comments and all the subscribers to my blog. Thank you, it really touched my heart. Sometimes I forget people care. I have felt the love and kindness tremendously these past few days. I hope I won’t disappoint you with my posts and will do my best to not over-post so you get bored.

I started writing a post yesterday, it was optimistic and upbeat about what is coming next. That is not how I always feel, so I am keeping it real today. It is just a day over 2 weeks until I board the plane and head to a land I have visited but not lived since I was a child. The truth is I am sad. Sad to be leaving and full of regret.

I’ve had a headache for the past few days and a nose bleed yet again. My hair has more gray than ever before and I have gained not lost weight. I regret my role in how things have come to pass. How I have let myself go, physically and mentally. I feel broken, vulnerable, and scared. I am not sure how I am going to make it. My self-confidence was low already and has now plummeted to the basement.

I see all my mistakes. The things I could have and should have changed. I could have been nicer to my husband, been more supportive, done a better job with my stepdaughters. Exercised more. Spent less money. Dan says I dwell on them but nothing changes. He might be right. Perhaps I won’t change my life until it changes for me.

I have moments of bravery but I am letting you see the pessimistic side or at least a peek. The one that is tiresome and plays the victim. The one who rages and says hurtful things and turns to tears when I have spent all my energy. The person who talks about doing better but rarely makes the big changes.

I love fiercely too. I love deeply and it cuts me to the core to be rejected by anyone. This will be my second divorce. I was much younger the first time around. I did feel braver then. This time I am older and more dependent. I know what has to be done but I want to crawl back in bed and stay until it stops.

I will miss my cat, Olive, who has been my buddy through this whole thing. She kept me going when things got pretty dark, partly because I didn’t want her to eat my face off when she didn’t get food. She is not the most cuddly creature and likes to wake me in the middle of the night to play but my loyal companion, as loyal as a cat can be. She makes me laugh every single day and I will certainly miss that. She will be staying with Dan until I return.

I am mostly packed just down to the piles of paperwork I have procrastinated. Thank goodness for this day and age where almost everything can be done online in some fashion. That being said I still have to do it! I am also not good at prioritizing because I want to play more than I want to do the work. Nothing has changed there right mom?

Things will get better. I can even say they have a tiny bit. Every minute and even every day there is a little less dark and a little more light, despite what the sun says. I see the possibility more some days than others. Somehow I will climb out of the hole of despair and move forward but somedays I may not. It’s the big roller coaster ride of life. Everyone has challenges, just perhaps different. We can all help each other, leaning on our faith and pushing through the tough days to get to the brighter days. The tough days make the good days even brighter. May we all have the fortitude to keep pushing through. So far we have made it through 100% of the bad days, someone wisely pointed out.

My intention is to post Wednesday and either Saturday or Sunday for now unless there is something really exciting happening. Thanks again for reading!